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Baking & Stories

A small collection.

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<hi>

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<hi Ben, how are you?>

<good thanks n u>

<good good having a beer – long day!>

<where>

<just in the living room>

<oh at home lol>

<yup!>

<where do u live>

<Wiley Park>

<ur close I live at punchbowl>

<working tomorrow?>

<nah I’m on holiday>

<im home at 3 come over>

<pics?>

<like nudes lol?>

<I won’t say no! but whatever really>

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it was the happiest night of my life

Its “It’s” you TWITS

My young mind’s confusion between when to use “it’s” and “its” was forever resolved, once upon a time, in a Year 5 Computer Studies class. We were made to do grammar exercises in a program consisting of dragging and dropping the appropriate words into empty spaces in sentences, having to choose between oft-confused words, e.g. there/they’re and their ilk. My very arrogant 11-year old self breezed through this program faster than everyone else as usual, enjoying all the flashes of 100% and “Great!”/”Well Done!” privately gloating to myself while present​ing airs of humility and studiousness (I mean, I’d been reading gigantic tomes of multi-volume fantasy series for years by now, this was utter child’s play!) right until I was roundly slapped in the face by a big red 0% and all my choices tumbled back down to the selection box, accompanied by an incredibly condescending: “uh-oh”!

I tried again.

“Uh-oh!”

I think I tried at least 3 times before daring to doubt myself, flipping my binary choice, and then felt shame and incredulity wash over me in alternating wash cycles.

I still claim sometimes, until today, especially when I’m drunk and/or feeling particular argumentative, that the apostrophe of “it’s” should be interpreted as possessive rather than contractive. “I bet you it was “ites” once upon a time!”

As I’m still harping on about it until today, clearly I know I’m wrong.

Horror

There are stranger places to wake up, he wondered to himself after a while.

He breathed out, shivering. Misty fog curled away from his mouth, unseen in the low light.

Please be a dream.

He opened his eyes again, slowly, but the bodies were still there, alas. Strewn about him everywhere, skin pale and sallow in the flickering light.

Suddenly, again – darkness.

He knew he had to move eventually. He opened his eyes again and looked straight ahead, avoiding having to look at the situation around him. There was a spot on the wall. It looked grey to him but it was too dark to make out any colours.

The light flickered again.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he began to make out the outlines of their bodies.

There are 4 bodies around me, he thought to himself, daring to count them for the first time. They were all face-down, in strange positions, their limbs bent awkwardly.

He realised he knew who they all were.

He was standing now, the last of the pins-and-needles kicked out of his feet. He walked over to the nearest body and squat down next to it. He knew who it was. He could recognise that body anywhere; they’d known each other for almost their whole lives.

He reached out a hand to touch the arm of the body he was next to, but pulled back.

It’s just Omar, what are you so scared of?

He reached out and as his finger touched skin he felt a shock and the light went out.

He felt the cold concrete wall against his back again.

Doughnut

“We have to.”

I looked at him.

“We don’t have a choice.”

I looked away.

“Look. I know it’s fucking awkward. It’s not like I want to do this, but we have to.” I grimaced. “No one else is even awake. No one will ever know.”

I looked at him and looked away again.

I saw a brown spot in the wall in front of me. It looked like the sticky residue of brown tape. I looked at it for a while. I reached down and unbuckled my belt, my hands shaking, my heart pounding against my chest. I undid the button and stood there looking at the spot. It had four sides. Or five. Maybe it wasn’t brown.

I heard him coming towards me and I clenched my fists by my side. It definitely had four sides. I felt him unzipping my pants and I slammed my eyes shut.

…four sides, four sides, four sides…

He started to pull my pants down but they were very tight. My tight brown jeans. My favourite pair of four sides. Pants. I like pants.

Four pants. Pants.

He gave it a one hard tug and then my pants were at my feet, my moist white underpants in a pile on top.

I felt him take my soft cock into his mouth. He started sucking on it, sucking on it like a soggy doughnut. Sucking on my slimy soggy doughnut.

My body shook as my nails dug into my palms. He kept sucking, sucking with disgusting rhythmic pulsating noises.

Shlop.

Shlop.

Shlop.

I felt him touch my belly – then I punched him.

Then it was darkness.

Colouring Pencils

He likes colouring. I’ve seen him zone out when he colours. That stern, worried look on his face goes away, and he seems to just enjoy life. I never see that look on his face, that carefree, child-like freedom, except when he is colouring.

I bought him a new set of pencils the other day. The good kind, Faber Castells. The cheap set he’d been using ran out of red; I noticed he was using pink instead. He frowned a lot when he coloured the firetruck pink.

Do I pay too much attention him?

Maybe.

All the other kids seem to be doing fine, making friends and bullying each other and being bullied in return. But this one kid… he’s different. Too adult. It disturbs me. He doesn’t sound like an adult or talk like one even, but there is something about him that strikes me as so adult-like.

He seems so sensible.

He stopped asking for permission to go to the toilet a few weeks ago. Now he goes whenever he likes. Which is not often really, he doesn’t like to stand out – oh he really doesn’t. It usually happens when he is caught up in something really engrossing, and he forgets to do other things. Once I saw him stop breathing as he did a maths problem, and he gasped for air a minute later. Everyone turned around and looked at him. He turned red as a beet! But when nature calls, nature calls, and he slinks out of the room and out the door, and I pretend not to notice.

One of the other kids, a big boy, Khalid, borrowed his blue pencil once and broke it in half. He gave it back to him broken, and laughed when he asked him “Why?” I told Khalid to apologise, but you know with these kids. Morality always takes a while to develop, and empathy sometimes never turns up. I already show the kid too much favouritism, anything more and I risk overstepping my boundaries as a teacher.

Gosh he looked so heartbroken I just wanted to give him a hug and tell him it was just a silly pencil, and that everything is okay and the world is perfect, but I knew it was bullshit. This kid was just too soft for this world.

Another blue pencil incident and he’d be the one that’d break.

I gave him the new pencils after the recess bell went off. I called him to stay behind. Panic flickered across his face for a fraction of a second before the mask slipped back on. He was so young, but his defences were so high, stone and mortar towering around him.

He took them, and mumbled a quiet thanks.

I’m sure he was delighted.

He gave me a drawing a few days later. It was a nice one.

Ewok

Laboured breathing, pain.
A life of energy, vigour, comes to a close.
And, too, her soft and gentle love.
A family gathers to say goodbye;
hesitation, guilt struggles with sadness, fear.
A blur of tears, screams and pierced hearts.
“So, cash or card?” – the body still warm.

Holey Net

“You have to continuously make yourself better.”

“What?”

“Every time you leave the house, you have to look perfect. You have to be the best possible you that you can put forward every day, or else you’re just going to go to the bottom of the pile. You’re not getting any younger you know, your days are ticking. You have to work on having the best body you can, the best hair, the best, most fashionable clothes.”

“That sounds like a lot of work.”

“It is a lot of work. But you have to. You know what it’s like. The gay scene is brutal, absolutely brutal. Especially in Sydney. If you can’t handle it, then just give up now.”

“Can’t I just be myself?”

He laughed. “That’s not good enough. Look me in the eye, and tell me what you want. What you really want. You want the hottest, richest, most amazing boyfriend you can possibly get, don’t you? Then you have to be the hottest richest most amazing person you can possibly be. 10’s don’t go out with 3’s honey, sorry. That’s just how the world works.”

“But like you keep telling me, attraction is all subjective. People like different things, people like potatoes, rice, fat, skinny, whatever. I don’t know.”

“You just ask yourself what you think is the best you, and you go for that, because most likely that is a good choice. Right now, you’re like a fisherman, and your net sucks. It’s tiny and it’s full of holes. Go patch it up, make it bigger, and when you chuck it out of your boat it will spread further and catch more fish, and you’re the one who’ll be able to make the choice of the best fish, and reject all the slimy bitches.”

“You sound like a psycho right now.”

“Maybe I am a psycho, maybe I am a bit of a crazy bitch. But guess what? Being a crazy bitch is better than being a loser bitch.”

I looked at him.

“So what do I do?”

“Improve yourself.”

“Should I stop eating?”

“Maybe. Maybe you should start bulking up. What are you into?” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “I know you’re not into rice, that’s clear enough from all your stories.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re into muscle daddies aren’t you?”

I grunted.

“The thing is, muscle daddies are usually into other muscle guys. They’re not really into twinks, especially not Asian twinks. You have to bulk up. If you slim down into some little twinky slut all you’ll attract are rice-queens, and you do not want to fuck a rice queen. I will judge you for the rest of your life and deny that I ever knew you. Rice queens are gross, fat and old.”

I considered it for a moment.

“All this sounds so ridiculous.”

“But you’re still listening.” I shrugged. “You know why? Because you know I’m right. I’ve been through all of this before and I know how the game works. You’re new to this, you’re fresh meat. You’re still really innocent, and you don’t know that every single guy out there is a piranha that’s waiting to bite your cock off. That’s why you’ve been having all these guys play you non-stop. That’s why you’ve been getting hurt. You need to believe me and listen to me. You have to learn to be a bitch. I see mega-bitch potential in you. I really do.”

“I refuse to turn into a jaded scene queen, I’m sorry.”

“I actually see you on the path there. I’m trying to save you here. Bitch does not equal jaded. Bitch equals power.”

“So how does it work then? Does a twink grow up into a daddy?”

He shook his head, in disgust, “No, no way.”

“Then how does it work? Can you have a teenage daddy? That’s just weird! Isn’t the whole part of being a daddy being old?”

“No, a daddy is born a daddy. Even when they’re teenagers. You can just see it in them. They have daddy potential. A twink just grows up into a guy. A daddy is always a daddy.”

“So are you into daddies or twinks?”

“I’m into men not boys.”

I burst out laughing.

He shrugged.

Anxiety – a Love Story

The youth wiped the sweat off his brow and grumbled to himself about the heat. He pulled off his pants and fanned his lean, well-muscled legs with one of the thin books that were scattered over the glass table. The papers riffled about aimlessly. It wasn’t getting any cooler but he didn’t care.

It was too fucking hot.

He took the pen out of his mouth and tried to write a few lines, a sentence, a single word even, anything that would resemble even a semblance of effort on his part. He scratched his sweaty black hair and moaned.

“Ah. Fuck it.”

He tossed the pen to his side onto the bed and pulled off his thin white cotton shirt and all his other items of clothing until he was left in nothing but his small tight briefs. He contemplated removing those too, grabbing his crotch briefly, but the thought disturbed him slightly.

Maybe someone was watching.

The blanket he used every other night was too thick for this sticky evening so he lumped it into a ball and threw it into the corner of his room.  It hit the dull grey walls with an unsatisfying thud.

He lay on his cold bed hoping to go to sleep, only to get up a few minutes later, and laying back down again, again, and again. The thin sheets were warming up too quickly and his sweat was beginning to make everything uncomfortably sticky.

He stood up and jumped around and started shouting nonsensical things to the little yellow duck toy on his glass desk, softly at first, and then louder and louder until he couldn’t hear himself anymore and he began to wonder whether he was actually making any noise.

He had to go to the toilet and relieve his bowels but he thought it was not worth the effort. Besides, where would he even shit in this small chamber? He tried to recall where he usually did, but he couldn’t seem to remember.

The heat began to reach oppressing levels. He fanned himself helplessly with his open palm for a few seconds, and then closed his fingers together, in the vain hope of catching more air.

He gave up a few seconds later.

He could think of nothing else to do, nowhere else to go, and so he finally gave in to his baser desires and took off his underpants. So there he was, completely naked, in this sad and strange excuse for a living space. He felt extremely vulnerable, and a little vulgar, but also quite aroused.

Someone was definitely watching.

His clothes were in a heap on the floor. He knew they must smell foul. His clothes hadn’t been washed in what felt like months, so he threw them into the wire bin. For some reason, he didn’t think he needed them anymore.

He felt a tremendous urge to empty his bowels, and so instead he emptied his room of everything he didn’t need, trying to organise and compartmentalise everything, as he so often did in better times. There was nothing much besides a table, an uncomfortable bed and a wire bin, several books, a pen or two, and of course, the little duck toy. Regardless, organising everything was strangely comforting.

As he calmed down a little, he neatly folded his blanket into a pile and placed his pillow on top of it. He pulled the thin bedsheet off the hard bed and folded that too, just as neatly, and placed that on top of the pillow. He changed his mind and slid it in between the pillow and the blanket pile.

It worked better that way.

Then he pushed the table into the corner, placed the fabric-pile under it and slid the wire rubbish bin into the remaining space under the table, rearranging everything so it appeared balanced. He threw all the small items into the bin, neatly, except of course the rubber duck. He held that in his armpit. It threatened to slide out and escape (he was quite sweaty) but he clenched tightly.

He then turned the bed on its narrower edge and leaned it against adjacent the table, as close together as he could put everything. He picked up his clothes and put them all on again. Then he took them all off. He used his underpants to wipe the sweat off his whole body and then threw everything into the bin, not caring so much about neatness anymore. He really didn’t like those clothes.

There was now a decently sized space on one side of the room, about half the space of the room, had it been vacant. The emptiness pleased him, despite the depressingly grey walls and lack of any windows. He had stopped caring about the lack of natural light quite a long time ago. He didn’t really know where that annoyingly dull grey light came from; it just was.

He walked around the space for a while, enjoying its strange emptiness, then planted his bare buttocks on the cold floor. He quite enjoyed the coolness and so he lay flat, first on his belly and then decided on his back. He closed his eyes.

This was acceptable.