Category: Fiction


“You like that?” he said, as one of his silicone-lubricated fingers slipped its way into my anus. I think he was trying to sound suggestive. I shivered, and involuntarily arched my back, rubbing against the soft white sheets. I hoped his fingernails were well-trimmed.

I clenched involuntarily against the one finger as he slipped it in deeper, in and out, perhaps a little more forcefully than I would have liked. “Yeah… keep doing that…” I said. I thought that maybe I should moan a little, but I decided against it.

“Yeah you like that I can tell. I’m gonna stick another one in.” Oh god. I could tell he was really getting into it, going faster and faster. He forced his index and middle finger all the way in at once and I winced, trying as hard as I could to contain my groan of discomfort. This was sadly misinterpreted as a moan of pleasure and he continued, faster and faster. “I can’t wait to fuck this hole,” he said, stroking my thighs. This is kinda hot, I thought to myself. I was praying for this awkward prep phase to end quickly so that he would just stick it inside me already. I don’t know why we even bothered with this finger-foreplay.

Suddenly, he stopped, his fingers still inside me. I looked at him, fearing the worst.

He pulled his fingers right out.

“You need to go to the toilet.”

Shit. Literally. I thought I had prepped properly.


The way tops said it was always the same – always with a trace of disgust in their voice. Fuck you man, we all have to shit… My face turned bright red and I turned away.

“Also, you need to eat more fibre. I thought I hit a rock in there.”

I curled up into a ball and turned onto my side. How mortifying. I’m disgusting. What is wrong with me? I could hear him shifting at the edge of the bed. I was completely soft, and the mood was dead.

I stood up and walked to the toilet, closed the door behind me and sat on the toilet bowl. I knew it was a waste of time. The shit was never going to come out on its own. Even a tablespoon of Metamucil 3 times a day, and 2 coloxyl pills before going to bed every night couldn’t clear this blockage.

Fucking SNRIs.

I reached over to the tap and turned it on, not bothering to wait for it to warm up. I reached under the sink and grabbed the douche, pulling off the hard plastic nozzle in a practised motion. I filled the rubber bulb with the cold water until it was overflowing and pressed the nozzle back on. Luckily my asshole was already lubed up. Thank you Mr Top.

I lifted my right foot up onto the rim of the toilet seat in a half-squat and slipped the douche under me. The nozzle eased in without much resistance. I squeezed the bulb, and the residual volume of air that was in the nozzle pushed up into rectum, like a reverse fart. I hated that feeling.

I shivered and kept going, forcing the water deeper and deeper into my body, in the hope of dislodging the rock-hard lumps of shit the antidepressants had cemented within my rectum. It was like some sort of sick joke from God.

I let the water sit inside me for a minute or so, as though I was mulling some shit-wine, before squeezing it all out, wanting to purge it all out with as much force as my muscles could muster, but also gently, the fear of haemorrhoids in the forefront of my mind.

Nothing. Nothing but slightly tinged water.


Fill. Squeeze. Push. Fill. Squeeze. Push. Slowly, but surely stripping away the protective mucosal layers of my rectum. At least the water was beginning to warm-up.

After the third time with no success, I reached in with the middle finger of my left hand (the longest finger) and dug around looking for any offending pieces of shit – “digital disimpaction” the doctors like to call it. I reached it quickly, touching the same poop Mr Top had probably touched in his misguided attempt to ease me open. I circled my fingers around its edges, trying to ease it out, dislodging it kindly, squeezing my kegels, and with the gentle force of the built-up douche-water behind, it slowly slipped out, along the line of my fingers, almost slipping into my palm before dropping into the water below, leaving behind it a wonderful trail of slime.

I went into the shower quickly, rinsed off my asshole and my legs in case anything had dripped downwards without me noticing. I grabbed a towel and pat my body dry. Then I washed my hands with anti-bacterial soap and scalding-hot water, finished off with rubbing alcohol and spraying deodorant all over my fingers.

I really hoped he wouldn’t smell shit.

I walked out of the toilet, and saw him against the headboard of my bed, playing with his phone and fondling his still very erect penis.

“Finally! Get over here.” He grabbed me and pushed me on all fours with my ass up in the air. He put a condom on, and slowly eased his penis inside me, moaning as it went in.

I turned my head to one side and rest it on my arms, my body jerking forward with every thrust.

I looked at the wall.

I wish it was cleaner.

Its “It’s” you TWITS

My young mind’s confusion between when to use “it’s” and “its” was forever resolved, once upon a time, in a Year 5 Computer Studies class. We were made to do grammar exercises in a program consisting of dragging and dropping the appropriate words into empty spaces in sentences, having to choose between oft-confused words, e.g. there/they’re and their ilk. My very arrogant 11-year old self breezed through this program faster than everyone else as usual, enjoying all the flashes of 100% and “Great!”/”Well Done!” privately gloating to myself while present​ing airs of humility and studiousness (I mean, I’d been reading gigantic tomes of multi-volume fantasy series for years by now, this was utter child’s play!) right until I was roundly slapped in the face by a big red 0% and all my choices tumbled back down to the selection box, accompanied by an incredibly condescending: “uh-oh”!

I tried again.


I think I tried at least 3 times before daring to doubt myself, flipping my binary choice, and then felt shame and incredulity wash over me in alternating wash cycles.

I still claim sometimes, until today, especially when I’m drunk and/or feeling particular argumentative, that the apostrophe of “it’s” should be interpreted as possessive rather than contractive. “I bet you it was “ites” once upon a time!”

As I’m still harping on about it until today, clearly I know I’m wrong.


There are stranger places to wake up, he wondered to himself after a while.

He breathed out, shivering. Misty fog curled away from his mouth, unseen in the low light.

Please be a dream.

He opened his eyes again, slowly, but the bodies were still there, alas. Strewn about him everywhere, skin pale and sallow in the flickering light.

Suddenly, again – darkness.

He knew he had to move eventually. He opened his eyes again and looked straight ahead, avoiding having to look at the situation around him. There was a spot on the wall. It looked grey to him but it was too dark to make out any colours.

The light flickered again.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he began to make out the outlines of their bodies.

There are 4 bodies around me, he thought to himself, daring to count them for the first time. They were all face-down, in strange positions, their limbs bent awkwardly.

He realised he knew who they all were.

He was standing now, the last of the pins-and-needles kicked out of his feet. He walked over to the nearest body and squat down next to it. He knew who it was. He could recognise that body anywhere; they’d known each other for almost their whole lives.

He reached out a hand to touch the arm of the body he was next to, but pulled back.

It’s just Omar, what are you so scared of?

He reached out and as his finger touched skin he felt a shock and the light went out.

He felt the cold concrete wall against his back again.


“We have to.”

I looked at him.

“We don’t have a choice.”

I looked away.

“Look. I know it’s fucking awkward. It’s not like I want to do this, but we have to.” I grimaced. “No one else is even awake. No one will ever know.”

I looked at him and looked away again.

I saw a brown spot in the wall in front of me. It looked like the sticky residue of brown tape. I looked at it for a while. I reached down and unbuckled my belt, my hands shaking, my heart pounding against my chest. I undid the button and stood there looking at the spot. It had four sides. Or five. Maybe it wasn’t brown.

I heard him coming towards me and I clenched my fists by my side. It definitely had four sides. I felt him unzipping my pants and I slammed my eyes shut.

…four sides, four sides, four sides…

He started to pull my pants down but they were very tight. My tight brown jeans. My favourite pair of four sides. Pants. I like pants.

Four pants. Pants.

He gave it a one hard tug and then my pants were at my feet, my moist white underpants in a pile on top.

I felt him take my soft cock into his mouth. He started sucking on it, sucking on it like a soggy doughnut. Sucking on my slimy soggy doughnut.

My body shook as my nails dug into my palms. He kept sucking, sucking with disgusting rhythmic pulsating noises.




I felt him touch my belly – then I punched him.

Then it was darkness.

Colouring Pencils

He likes colouring. I’ve seen him zone out when he colours. That stern, worried look on his face goes away, and he seems to just enjoy life. I never see that look on his face, that carefree, child-like freedom, except when he is colouring.

I bought him a new set of pencils the other day. The good kind, Faber Castells. The cheap set he’d been using ran out of red; I noticed he was using pink instead. He frowned a lot when he coloured the firetruck pink.

Do I pay too much attention him?


All the other kids seem to be doing fine, making friends and bullying each other and being bullied in return. But this one kid… he’s different. Too adult. It disturbs me. He doesn’t sound like an adult or talk like one even, but there is something about him that strikes me as so adult-like.

He seems so sensible.

He stopped asking for permission to go to the toilet a few weeks ago. Now he goes whenever he likes. Which is not often really, he doesn’t like to stand out – oh he really doesn’t. It usually happens when he is caught up in something really engrossing, and he forgets to do other things. Once I saw him stop breathing as he did a maths problem, and he gasped for air a minute later. Everyone turned around and looked at him. He turned red as a beet! But when nature calls, nature calls, and he slinks out of the room and out the door, and I pretend not to notice.

One of the other kids, a big boy, Khalid, borrowed his blue pencil once and broke it in half. He gave it back to him broken, and laughed when he asked him “Why?” I told Khalid to apologise, but you know with these kids. Morality always takes a while to develop, and empathy sometimes never turns up. I already show the kid too much favouritism, anything more and I risk overstepping my boundaries as a teacher.

Gosh he looked so heartbroken I just wanted to give him a hug and tell him it was just a silly pencil, and that everything is okay and the world is perfect, but I knew it was bullshit. This kid was just too soft for this world.

Another blue pencil incident and he’d be the one that’d break.

I gave him the new pencils after the recess bell went off. I called him to stay behind. Panic flickered across his face for a fraction of a second before the mask slipped back on. He was so young, but his defences were so high, stone and mortar towering around him.

He took them, and mumbled a quiet thanks.

I’m sure he was delighted.

He gave me a drawing a few days later. It was a nice one.

Holey Net

“You have to continuously make yourself better.”


“Every time you leave the house, you have to look perfect. You have to be the best possible you that you can put forward every day, or else you’re just going to go to the bottom of the pile. You’re not getting any younger you know, your days are ticking. You have to work on having the best body you can, the best hair, the best, most fashionable clothes.”

“That sounds like a lot of work.”

“It is a lot of work. But you have to. You know what it’s like. The gay scene is brutal, absolutely brutal. Especially in Sydney. If you can’t handle it, then just give up now.”

“Can’t I just be myself?”

He laughed. “That’s not good enough. Look me in the eye, and tell me what you want. What you really want. You want the hottest, richest, most amazing boyfriend you can possibly get, don’t you? Then you have to be the hottest richest most amazing person you can possibly be. 10’s don’t go out with 3’s honey, sorry. That’s just how the world works.”

“But like you keep telling me, attraction is all subjective. People like different things, people like potatoes, rice, fat, skinny, whatever. I don’t know.”

“You just ask yourself what you think is the best you, and you go for that, because most likely that is a good choice. Right now, you’re like a fisherman, and your net sucks. It’s tiny and it’s full of holes. Go patch it up, make it bigger, and when you chuck it out of your boat it will spread further and catch more fish, and you’re the one who’ll be able to make the choice of the best fish, and reject all the slimy bitches.”

“You sound like a psycho right now.”

“Maybe I am a psycho, maybe I am a bit of a crazy bitch. But guess what? Being a crazy bitch is better than being a loser bitch.”

I looked at him.

“So what do I do?”

“Improve yourself.”

“Should I stop eating?”

“Maybe. Maybe you should start bulking up. What are you into?” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “I know you’re not into rice, that’s clear enough from all your stories.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re into muscle daddies aren’t you?”

I grunted.

“The thing is, muscle daddies are usually into other muscle guys. They’re not really into twinks, especially not Asian twinks. You have to bulk up. If you slim down into some little twinky slut all you’ll attract are rice-queens, and you do not want to fuck a rice queen. I will judge you for the rest of your life and deny that I ever knew you. Rice queens are gross, fat and old.”

I considered it for a moment.

“All this sounds so ridiculous.”

“But you’re still listening.” I shrugged. “You know why? Because you know I’m right. I’ve been through all of this before and I know how the game works. You’re new to this, you’re fresh meat. You’re still really innocent, and you don’t know that every single guy out there is a piranha that’s waiting to bite your cock off. That’s why you’ve been having all these guys play you non-stop. That’s why you’ve been getting hurt. You need to believe me and listen to me. You have to learn to be a bitch. I see mega-bitch potential in you. I really do.”

“I refuse to turn into a jaded scene queen, I’m sorry.”

“I actually see you on the path there. I’m trying to save you here. Bitch does not equal jaded. Bitch equals power.”

“So how does it work then? Does a twink grow up into a daddy?”

He shook his head, in disgust, “No, no way.”

“Then how does it work? Can you have a teenage daddy? That’s just weird! Isn’t the whole part of being a daddy being old?”

“No, a daddy is born a daddy. Even when they’re teenagers. You can just see it in them. They have daddy potential. A twink just grows up into a guy. A daddy is always a daddy.”

“So are you into daddies or twinks?”

“I’m into men not boys.”

I burst out laughing.

He shrugged.

Anxiety – a Love Story

The youth wiped the sweat off his brow and grumbled to himself about the heat. He pulled off his pants and fanned his lean, well-muscled legs with one of the thin books that were scattered over the glass table. The papers riffled about aimlessly. It wasn’t getting any cooler but he didn’t care.

It was too fucking hot.

He took the pen out of his mouth and tried to write a few lines, a sentence, a single word even, anything that would resemble even a semblance of effort on his part. He scratched his sweaty black hair and moaned.

“Ah. Fuck it.”

He tossed the pen to his side onto the bed and pulled off his thin white cotton shirt and all his other items of clothing until he was left in nothing but his small tight briefs. He contemplated removing those too, grabbing his crotch briefly, but the thought disturbed him slightly.

Maybe someone was watching.

The blanket he used every other night was too thick for this sticky evening so he lumped it into a ball and threw it into the corner of his room.  It hit the dull grey walls with an unsatisfying thud.

He lay on his cold bed hoping to go to sleep, only to get up a few minutes later, and laying back down again, again, and again. The thin sheets were warming up too quickly and his sweat was beginning to make everything uncomfortably sticky.

He stood up and jumped around and started shouting nonsensical things to the little yellow duck toy on his glass desk, softly at first, and then louder and louder until he couldn’t hear himself anymore and he began to wonder whether he was actually making any noise.

He had to go to the toilet and relieve his bowels but he thought it was not worth the effort. Besides, where would he even shit in this small chamber? He tried to recall where he usually did, but he couldn’t seem to remember.

The heat began to reach oppressing levels. He fanned himself helplessly with his open palm for a few seconds, and then closed his fingers together, in the vain hope of catching more air.

He gave up a few seconds later.

He could think of nothing else to do, nowhere else to go, and so he finally gave in to his baser desires and took off his underpants. So there he was, completely naked, in this sad and strange excuse for a living space. He felt extremely vulnerable, and a little vulgar, but also quite aroused.

Someone was definitely watching.

His clothes were in a heap on the floor. He knew they must smell foul. His clothes hadn’t been washed in what felt like months, so he threw them into the wire bin. For some reason, he didn’t think he needed them anymore.

He felt a tremendous urge to empty his bowels, and so instead he emptied his room of everything he didn’t need, trying to organise and compartmentalise everything, as he so often did in better times. There was nothing much besides a table, an uncomfortable bed and a wire bin, several books, a pen or two, and of course, the little duck toy. Regardless, organising everything was strangely comforting.

As he calmed down a little, he neatly folded his blanket into a pile and placed his pillow on top of it. He pulled the thin bedsheet off the hard bed and folded that too, just as neatly, and placed that on top of the pillow. He changed his mind and slid it in between the pillow and the blanket pile.

It worked better that way.

Then he pushed the table into the corner, placed the fabric-pile under it and slid the wire rubbish bin into the remaining space under the table, rearranging everything so it appeared balanced. He threw all the small items into the bin, neatly, except of course the rubber duck. He held that in his armpit. It threatened to slide out and escape (he was quite sweaty) but he clenched tightly.

He then turned the bed on its narrower edge and leaned it against adjacent the table, as close together as he could put everything. He picked up his clothes and put them all on again. Then he took them all off. He used his underpants to wipe the sweat off his whole body and then threw everything into the bin, not caring so much about neatness anymore. He really didn’t like those clothes.

There was now a decently sized space on one side of the room, about half the space of the room, had it been vacant. The emptiness pleased him, despite the depressingly grey walls and lack of any windows. He had stopped caring about the lack of natural light quite a long time ago. He didn’t really know where that annoyingly dull grey light came from; it just was.

He walked around the space for a while, enjoying its strange emptiness, then planted his bare buttocks on the cold floor. He quite enjoyed the coolness and so he lay flat, first on his belly and then decided on his back. He closed his eyes.

This was acceptable.

Haemocyanin #1

I have been working on this short story for a very long time. I am hoping sharing this small tidbit here will force me to finish it!

The dripping blood was always blue. An interesting pale blue. Not that printer-ink cyan-blue, not even that simple blue of a summer day’s-



“Haemocyanin! That’s what makes it blue! It doesn’t have iron in it. It’s copper. Copper makes it blue.”

He wondered why he remembered that very specific detail out of all the other very specific details from that whirlwind of a day.




The rows and rows of prehistoric creatures were clamped tightly onto conveyor belts, moving with a slow constant hum as their blue blood dripped out of those thick 8mm gauge needles he’d previously forced through their shells.

“Just behind the first carapace joint. Yes, right where the head joint meets the body. Yes I know it kind of all looks the same at the beginning, we’ve all been there. Oh come on, you’re going to have to try harder than that. Push, boy, push! I thought I hired a man not a woman! Yes of course they can feel it. No don’t be ridiculous we don’t have time to worry about that. Ah there we go, yes. Nice. Don’t worry they’ll survive. I’ve punctured one old hag at least 50 times. I’m sure of it, I cut off one of her legs just to be sure. They always come back. They like it more than we do.”

He laughed to himself.

33 percent – that was the magic number. The maximum volume of blood they said we could extract from each animal before it could no longer recover.

“But I think somebody just made that number up. We always take more.” He winked.

He was always winking.

He stood on the pier, the cold air dancing off his lips in thin wispy curls. The night was dark, cold and constant, but the lights that flashed along the pier penetrated the darkness with warm tungstic crackling.

The tip of the cigarette glowed softly, and the ashes lengthened, teasing him at the wastefulness of the whole affair. He placed it on his lips, and pulled, inhaling deeply, quickly, perhaps too quickly, and he felt the tickling at the back of his throat that he knew would be soon followed by his coughs.

He suppressed them.

Toes splashed lightly in the cold water, and he closed his eyes as he exhaled, letting the smoke leave his body in no direction in particular.

It had been a long time since he’d come here.

Soft Éclairs

The Vietnamese girl with a tired face boarded the train at Campsie station and asked herself:

“Is this train real?”

Her eyes were dull and glazed over and her head tilted slightly to one side. She was missing a sock and the little brown one she was wearing poked through the front of her left leather sandal like a soft curious mouse. Her hair was oddly neat, deep black strands of calm atop an unkempt mind. She was wearing a strange white hat, as though someone had spooned a dollop of double-cream on top of her head.

She went up the stairs and she saw a woman sitting by herself, so she walked over, sat next to her and placed her hand on her lap.

The Greek woman was sitting alone with a freezer bag of carrot sticks in her lap. She wasn’t eating them, just fiddling with them through the plastic. She knew she was just bringing them along to assuage the guilt she had about these unplanned fortnightly éclair trips of hers. La Renaissance Pâtisserie at Circular Quay. Even memories of an adulterous husband couldn’t keep her away.

He used to take her there when they were still together. She was the one who took them there first, showed him the cafe, and wanted him to be amazed with its wondrous cakes and pastries. He wasn’t as excited about it as she was, but that could be said about a lot of things.

The girl was so small and quiet that the woman didn’t notice she was next to her until she sat down and put her hand on her thigh. The woman flinched and the carrots dropped to the floor.

The Greek woman didn’t know what to do, so she tried her hardest with her hands, frilly flower-print dress and sheer force of will to keep to herself, in the hope that the girl would go away. She was feeling very uncomfortable with having a stranger’s hand on her thigh so she slowly shifted her weight onto her knees, and then her onto her feet, and lifted herself up in that ungainly way overweight people move their bodies.

Then a hand shot out and grabbed her wrist, strongly.

“Please, stay.”

The Greek woman looked at her in shock, and was herself shocked by the girl’s face. Suddenly smiling vaguely, her eyes drifting away every few seconds, the girl had the appearance of a person not quite sure what she was looking at.

She tried to pull her wrist away, but the strength of the girl was startling.

“Please. Stay.”

The Greek woman looked around and clutched at her dress nervously, looking around to see if anyone else was around to witness the scene. She had become deeply accustomed to blame, but never quite so publicly.

She looked at the girl warily, waiting for her to do something, anything. She sat back down on the seat, still watching the girl. When she seemed unresponsive for a few minutes the Greek woman hoped everything had naturally resolved itself and pretended that she was alone again.

“Why are you ignoring me?”  The girl’s voice startled her again.


“Why are you ignoring me?” she repeated, looking at nothing in particular.

“But you weren’t saying anything.”

“I have some friends at Erskineville.”

The Greek woman didn’t know how to react.

“They’re really friendly. Every time I visit we always have fun.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” she said, awkwardly.

“Actually, they’re my only friends now. I used to have a lot of other friends, but,” she looked around nervously, “slowly they…they all turned into spies.”

“Oh- oh really?”

“Yes, spies for them. They are always watching me. They used to my real friends, then slowly one by one they’d visit me at night and with their eyes all red and they’d sit at the bottom of my bed and scream at me to give them all my money. If I didn’t have any money they would scratch me.”

The Greek woman was starting to become very alarmed. She noticed red, raw scratch marks on the girl’s arms.

“Are you ok?”


“No really, do you need any help?” she asked, her voice trembling slightly.

She smiled, “Today was the last day they could ever get me. I’m never going back. I’m safe now.” She thought she heard a note of triumph.

“That’s great, I guess,” she said shakily, unconvinced. “Where are you staying now?”

“Oh I told you, with my friends at Erskineville. They’ll keep me safe.”

The train shook slightly as it passed by Marrickville Station; the older timber railway sleepers were not as stable as the newer concrete type.

The Greek woman stole a glance every now and again at the girl, who had retreated back into her own world. The orange rays of the setting sun were in their eyes, and although she had to hold up her hand to shield her face, the girl looked straight into the sun. The orange glow washed over her skin and deepened every one of the slight creases on her face into a wrinkle, making her seem like an old tired woman.

She looked exhausted.

The Greek woman suddenly found herself feeling quite sorry for the girl-

“I’m okay, really,” she said, apparently reading her mind. “Don’t worry about me. The world is full of friends, and all of them are waiting.”

The train slowly rode the tracks into Erskineville Station, and the girl looked out of the window and smiled. She stood up after the train had already stopped and took her time walking out, almost getting caught in the closing doors.

The Greek woman watched her walk away on the platform and then up the stairs, to a separate life she knew she would have no part in. Every step the girl took away from her, she felt a strange urgent need grow and grow, telling her to shout out and grab her, to try and cling on to the first real relationship she had felt in a long time, however brief. As the train left the platform, a brief sadness touched her heart as she realised she would probably never meet the girl again.

But maybe she would.

She would have loved to buy her an éclair.

She walked up the station steps, taking two at a time (every second step was booby-trapped, of course) until she got to the top, where she did a little jump onto the concourse. She walked towards the farthest platform, Platform One, but as she walked down this set of steps she didn’t skip any; the traps don’t work on the way down.

The colours of the beautiful mural greeted her and invited her in, as they always did, and she began to laugh in the welcoming glow. Smiling faces leapt out from their colourful houses in the walls and colourful painted children began to peel away from the stone and dance around her, and she danced with them, laughing more and more. She reached out to try and touch them, but she knew she never would, and she didn’t care.

She was with her friends now.

The people on the platform stared at her uneasily, but even they could not deny that her joy was real.